The Wylde Life

A Letter To My Kings (written 2 years ago at 28)

RelationshipsDaVina Harvey

A Letter To My Kings

I value and appreciate you for who you are.   I love you and I will always need you.  There isn’t anyone who can replace you.  I would not exist without you, my future children will you need you.

There are times when I cry because I do not understand the pain that you go through or the fear that you feel, or maybe it’s because I feel like you  do not understand the pain that I go through or the fear that I feel.  In the middle of the frustration I mistake you acting out of pain and fear as you not caring. 

I am a 28 year old black woman.  I fear being mediocre.  I fear not accomplishing my purpose.  I fear getting tired or losing hope and vision before I accomplish my purpose.  I fear being at the wrong place at the wrong time with an angry cop.  I fear being judged for being too black, not black enough, too young, too old, too fat, to fucking female, hell not female enough.  

So many of the fears that I have are mine alone and you can’t help with them.  But I have pains and fears that you can help with.  It pains me to know that some of you don’t value my intelligence and the strides I make in business and myself to further our family and culture.  It pains me that some of you have made poor decisions in the past in choosing who you shared your seed with and now when you are at your greatest and should be growing our community you are scared.  It pains me that you don’t realize that just because I am not your “Cut buddy”, your “boo thang”, your “wifey” that you feel I am not worthy or in need or your help and support.  It pains me that some of you do not want to commit.  It pains me that when my sisters and I share these fears and concerns you down play our hurt...

In the middle of being upset for days straight I had the above conversation with kings in my life.  Because I was so caught up in my pain and opinions I didn’t really go about the conversations the right way. I forgot that hurt people hurt people and in this situation I was hurting and extending my hurt to an already hurt group of people.  I forgot that YOU are my KINGS and I am your Queen no matter how hurt I am.  And that unless we heal each other nothing but hurt is going to come from us.

I forgot that these same hurt Kings that I was hurting with my words and my thoughtlessly given opinions were the same kings that: take photos for free for me EVERY time I ask, that shoot and edit videos for me and my sisters without payment, that do all the lifting and grunt work around my house because my ass clearly isn’t going to do it, the same kings that text and call to make sure me and the other women get in safe, the same kings that offer to take 1 or 2 of us out to eat at once sometimes at their expense, the ones that offer endless advice and help.  The same Kings that give so much of their energy to us sometimes with nothing in exchange.  I love you all more than some of you know even though at times I am so caught up in self that I don’t say it or show it.  I know your worth and have a need for you that will never end.

I know that the pain you feel is real and has validity.  I know that so many messages tell you that you are not worthy of love and that you are not going to amount to anything.  Never is it my place, my right, or my want to add to those negative messages.  I am apart of your support system.  I am sorry.  

We have too much as a community that we do not discuss.  We have too much that we don’t share and keep bottled up until we are angry.  When it’s shared it comes out as anger and not love.  We can’t afford that.  I don’t know the answer to fix all the issues we have, but I know ignoring and pretending they don’t exist isn’t it. I love you so much.  I want so much from you… but there’s so much I want to share with you also.

Your  Sister ... Your Queen... Your Supporter